A new picture of FAITH in her birthday dress!

Faith will be two years old on July 9th. Gratefully there are wonderful organizations that will translate,purchase gifts and contact the orphanages in China. Here is a picture of the care package we have sent Faith for her birthday. We have also ordered her a birthday cake, and we will get pictures of her celebrating her birthday! This is especially exciting to us. Our hearts ache to be with her and we are so grateful there is a way to show her our love while she waits in the orphanage. Knowing that she will enjoy her birthday gives us such peace.

We got our PA! ( Pre approval from CHiNA!

A (PA) is significant in the adoption process. This is when China has reviewed our file and approved us to adopt the specific child we requested (pending we follow through with certain conditions). For me this step also means it is ok for us to begin connecting emotionally with our daughter. Going through this process is so unnatural. No woman picks the face of their child when she is pregnant. As a mother you love what you have created. In adoption, I am finding that I want so badly to emotionally connect, but I am afraid to give my entire heart because I don't want to get hurt if something goes wrong. This (PA) validates our paperwork, and says to me that it's ok to love her now...she is ours... the agency agrees and China agrees. Now our adoption starts to become real...we can also post her picture and give some details. Introducing our daughter Faith Hengsi Brown. We have already become attached to her, and are overjoyed every time we see her pictures. We know you'll fall in love with her too...you just can't help it, she is beautiful! I apologize to my close friends, I have already printed her pictures and carry them in my purse, and no doubt if you sit next to me during a sporting event, or other event, I will bring them out time and time again to talk about her. So be patient :)

The Power of Prayer!

We heard a cool saying from Mr. Spock in the new Star Trek movie today...

"Fate never happens when it's most convenient."

A leap of faith...so we have decided to move forward with adopting a daughter from China. Last week on Dallin's birthday, we met with the adoption agency for the first time. While in the office, we were looking for a little special needs girl we had seen a month before. Unfortunately, or fortunately for her, she has found a family to adopt her, but it was not us. I was so sad. As we sat, and visited with these wonderful ladies, there was another little girl who had been on hold for adoption, but was returned to the list. We looked at her picture, she was the first girl we saw and beautiful -We wondered why has no one adopted her?... Her file was forwarded to us at home. While driving home, we could not stop talking about her. As soon as we got home, we researched her file, knew she needed brain surgery, but felt it was right for us to "hold" her for our family. We immediately sent the required letter of intent, and surprised the adoption agency at how quickly we decided. Sunday we fasted and prayed about our decision and for more information, and our prayers have been answered. We feel now more than ever, that she is meant to be a part of our family! Now we hurry up and wait, until all our paperwork is complete, and we get approval. She is not yet two years old, our little Si Si. We will hopefully be traveling to China by the end of this year. Our kids are so excited, and Dallin has offered his bedroom to her. On a side note we got to see the new Star Trek movie before anyone else in the country. Microsoft set that one up for an employee morale event, and Jeff brought me along. The movie is fantastic!! We got as much free candy, pop, and popcorn as we wanted, and filled my purse full !(for the kids of course )

Peaks and Valleys!

I am not really sure I want to even post this, I don't let too many people into my head or my life but I am in the middle of a journey and thought I should record some of what has been happening, hoping and praying that it will have a happy ending.
Few people know we are interested in international adoption. Maybe more will know now...I have always wanted to adopt ever since I can remember. I knew in my heart I could love any child, not just "my own." I always put it off, thinking... the time is not right or where will the funds come from etc. I also knew that I wanted to help a special needs child. Jeff and I have filled out an adoption application and have had access to an organization that specialized in placing children with special needs. I have been looking at photos of children and requesting files for some time now. Not really knowing who or when. I thought, surely we could adopt any of them and love them, but I was never motivated past that thought. My friend who recently adopted told me, " I will just know when I see her face..." I have been waiting for that feeling, and in the process feeling sorry for myself that I can't seem to connect with a child. Maybe it's not right for our family...and I wonder why I feel so strongly about it. Maybe I am crazy? The day before we were to fly out to Utah for spring break, I saw her face. A little 3 year old girl I could not stop thinking about. I emailed her file to Jeff at work, then we both decided that she was perfect. Because of her special needs, her adoption would almost be fully paid for. I emailed our social worker at the agency, and she sent me a list of things we had to do before we could put her on "hold" for our family. This list was something they usually give two to three weeks to fill out. We finished that list the same day we received it. Everything just worked out, including having a friend meet us at 10 pm that night for a notary signature. I got on the plane to Utah the next morning, sure we would be adding a daughter to our family. When we arrived in Utah, we were able to attend the temple to witness a family get sealed for time and all eternity. I couldn't help but think of the little girl that had charmed Jeff and I, and thought maybe in a few years we would be in the temple with our family and her... then the story changed.
After being in Utah for 3 days, I was not getting calls back from our social worker, to finalize the hold, we needed to pay for a pre approval and submit to China. I felt something was wrong, and kept calling and waiting to hear. Finally on day 5 of our trip, I got the bad news. The funding and program the agency has been running for over 20 years was out of money. People had stopped paying on their interest free loans because of the bad economy and they could no longer offer the $17,000 dollars she had previously been assigned. Without those funds, we could not adopt. So today after processing all the emotional peaks and valleys this last week has brought, I am not sure what to do. My heart tells me, do what ever it takes to bring that little girl home...then the rational side of me, and more so Jeff reminds me that, our financial situation is not so solid that our existing family and home could be at significant risk if we were to get into more debt.
So that is where we are at, I had a daughter a week ago, and now I don't, and I am heartbroken, I can't even tell you how many times I have cried uncontrollably every day since that news, and I pray for that little girl and hope if it is not us, that she will get a family who can help her and love her, as I already do. I hate that money is the driving force behind most things in life. Maybe the lord will let me take a year off paying tithing so we can add to our family...now I am really going crazy...