Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death.

Monday, April 13, 2009

Peaks and Valleys!

I am not really sure I want to even post this, I don't let too many people into my head or my life but I am in the middle of a journey and thought I should record some of what has been happening, hoping and praying that it will have a happy ending.
Few people know we are interested in international adoption. Maybe more will know now...I have always wanted to adopt ever since I can remember. I knew in my heart I could love any child, not just "my own." I always put it off, thinking... the time is not right or where will the funds come from etc. I also knew that I wanted to help a special needs child. Jeff and I have filled out an adoption application and have had access to an organization that specialized in placing children with special needs. I have been looking at photos of children and requesting files for some time now. Not really knowing who or when. I thought, surely we could adopt any of them and love them, but I was never motivated past that thought. My friend who recently adopted told me, " I will just know when I see her face..." I have been waiting for that feeling, and in the process feeling sorry for myself that I can't seem to connect with a child. Maybe it's not right for our family...and I wonder why I feel so strongly about it. Maybe I am crazy? The day before we were to fly out to Utah for spring break, I saw her face. A little 3 year old girl I could not stop thinking about. I emailed her file to Jeff at work, then we both decided that she was perfect. Because of her special needs, her adoption would almost be fully paid for. I emailed our social worker at the agency, and she sent me a list of things we had to do before we could put her on "hold" for our family. This list was something they usually give two to three weeks to fill out. We finished that list the same day we received it. Everything just worked out, including having a friend meet us at 10 pm that night for a notary signature. I got on the plane to Utah the next morning, sure we would be adding a daughter to our family. When we arrived in Utah, we were able to attend the temple to witness a family get sealed for time and all eternity. I couldn't help but think of the little girl that had charmed Jeff and I, and thought maybe in a few years we would be in the temple with our family and her... then the story changed.
After being in Utah for 3 days, I was not getting calls back from our social worker, to finalize the hold, we needed to pay for a pre approval and submit to China. I felt something was wrong, and kept calling and waiting to hear. Finally on day 5 of our trip, I got the bad news. The funding and program the agency has been running for over 20 years was out of money. People had stopped paying on their interest free loans because of the bad economy and they could no longer offer the $17,000 dollars she had previously been assigned. Without those funds, we could not adopt. So today after processing all the emotional peaks and valleys this last week has brought, I am not sure what to do. My heart tells me, do what ever it takes to bring that little girl home...then the rational side of me, and more so Jeff reminds me that, our financial situation is not so solid that our existing family and home could be at significant risk if we were to get into more debt.
So that is where we are at, I had a daughter a week ago, and now I don't, and I am heartbroken, I can't even tell you how many times I have cried uncontrollably every day since that news, and I pray for that little girl and hope if it is not us, that she will get a family who can help her and love her, as I already do. I hate that money is the driving force behind most things in life. Maybe the lord will let me take a year off paying tithing so we can add to our family...now I am really going crazy...